Saturday, April 26, 2014

CONFESSIONS OF A MOM


This week has been interesting in so many different ways. The first part I spent waking up with nightmares I’m pretty sure were brought on by anxiety. I’m not going to get into because I don’t want to relive them. They are real enough to me as I’m asleep. I don’t want to see them again as I’m awake.

Hubby won a cruise through his work that he and I get to go on in the near future, but Tigger gets to stay with family here. I’m sure it’s come up that since Lion went home I’ve had a hard time leaving Tigger for an extended period of time. Needless to say, this trip is for an extended period of time.

I’m trying very hard to not get worked up about it. I know that The Lord is in charge and whatever happens is exactly what is in His plan but that doesn’t erase the fear and anxiety that is coming and dare I say attacking me. And these dreams are a part of the attacking.

It’s an interesting predicament that I’ve found myself in. I trust The Lord and His plan. I know that if a member of my family or even if I am called home it is what’s supposed to happen. But I don’t want to go home yet. Right now I would rather bury my family before me than go home. That may sound morbid, but in a way I’m being selfish. I want to be the one to raise my sons. I want to be the one spending time with Hubby and my parents and siblings. Yet I trust in The Lord’s plan.

The flip side to this is that my anxiety I believe is partially brought on a bit by fear. It’s been taught that faith or to me, trust cannot exist with fear. Does that mean in a way I don’t trust The Lord? Does that mean I’m letting fear dictate my life in a way? How can I say I trust The Lord when I have these fears deep within me?

I’m not exactly sure how to answer all those questions. I know that anxiety can be a medical condition that is no laughing matter. I know that I had a very traumatic experience last year that has added to a deep seeded feeling I’ve had for several years. I realize that there may come a point in time when I am not able to manage these emotions alone and with The Lord’s help. I don’t think I’ve reached that point yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I pray it doesn’t, but all I can say right now is that I’m working my way through it the best that I can.

I don’t know if fear and trust can live in the same place at the same time. I do know that it is forcing me to throw even more trust to The Lord. I wish I could say I knew everything will work out fine, but I can’t. I have a hard time promising Tigger that he’s safe because there are things I can’t control out there. Someone could break into the house, heaven forbid. We could be in a car accident. A car could turn the corner too fast . . . and the list goes on. All I can promise is that I will do all I can to keep him safe and I’ll turn the rest over to The Lord.

As much as I would love to say I know what’s going to happen, I can’t. Do I wish I had some type of clue? Absolutely, but I don’t and I have to work with what I do know. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I enjoy writing by the seat of my pants—meaning I don’t have an outline, I just write—because I don’t know what’s going to happen and half the fun of it is the journey and discovery along the way. And the journey is great fun, but in this case . . . well, I think you get the idea. :)

3 comments:

  1. You are not alone! I get very anxious when I have to leave my children, and I have not had any of the experiences you have had. I think it's part of being human. Sometimes you just 'feel" these things. It's not because you don't believe or have faith, but it's part of the human part of life. And I suppose if you didn't have these feelings to a point, then you might worry that it was your time, right?
    And I feel the same way about raising my children. I want to be the one to do it. I have often told them I would get to heaven and tell Heavenly Father to just send me back because I wanted to finish the job.
    I don't know how to get those feelings to go away. I hope that once you are on your trip, you can relax and enjoy the time with your husband. You deserve to have some alone time with him and renew that relationship you two have. It could be very healing for you both, since you have both gone through the same traumatic experience. Hopefully, you will be able to deal with the stress beforehand so it is manageable. I think you are an amazingly strong woman and I'm grateful to know you!

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement, Lisa. I happen to think you're pretty amazing too. :)

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