CONFESSIONS OF A MOM

Over the past several weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to hold a couple of newborns. The last baby I held was a little girl that was born at the same time as Lion and I have to admit that I felt very detached when I held her. She was/is adorable and I’ve loved seeing her grow. The night I held her she spit up like all babies do, but it immediately threw me back to the one time Lion spit up. It was the evening before he returned home and I’d never seen so much come out of a baby. It really scared Hubby and I and Lion went downhill from there.

Needless to say, I’ve been less than excited to hold little ones, especially once Tigger began to show interest in some of the babies in the neighborhood. He’d get down in front of them at church and play with them. He’d try to hold them and help them and when they cried, he was the first to try to figure out what they needed. It made me smile as my heart broke at the same time since the babies Tigger interacted with were about the same age as Lion would have been.

Then a good friend of mine had a little girl. Tigger and I were able to visit the family when the baby was just over a week old. She was sleeping in a little swing when Tigger went up to her and tried to pick her up. Both her mom and I ran. :) He just wanted to hold her, so I had him sit on my lap and together we held the precious little girl. Tigger glowed. He last about a minute before he wanted to go play but I will never forget the smile on his face.

Tigger never held Lion like that. When I saw how excited he was with this little girl I began to wonder if I did him a disservice for not figuring out a way to make that happen. I was too worried about all the cords attached to Lion and how fragile he was. Maybe I should have given Tigger that experience.

I tried to do the things Tigger and I had talked about doing with Lion. Like he really wanted to play in the front room with Lion in a swing. I didn’t move fast enough to get it ready because I couldn’t figure out how to get the oxygen out there. By the time I got it worked out, Tigger had moved on. There was one time, though, that I sat on the couch with Lion while Tigger and Hubby played on the floor just like Tigger wanted. It’s one of those memories I will treasure forever.

About a week later, I sat by a woman at church who had a three or four week old. The question came, “Do you want to hold him?” You can’t really say no to that, so I held this sweet baby boy for about forty-five minutes. He was a wiggler, just like Tigger. He talked in his sleep just like Tigger, Lion, and Hubby. It threw me back to the last morning Lion was with us.

Tigger came into our room earlier than expected. I had just finished feeding Lion. Tigger climbed up in bed with Hubby, I put Lion down in his bassinet, and I sat in the chair we had pulled in our room. Within a few moments Lion was making his little noises, Tigger was mumbling in his sleep, and Hubby joined in the mix with his quiet talking. The three men in my life we all asleep and talking. I wanted to take a picture or record it or something, but I knew anything I did would wake one of the them up. So I did the only thing I could do. I knelt down and thanked my Heavenly Father for the three men sleeping in the other room, then went back to my chair and enjoyed the sweet symphony that I will forever treasure in my memory.

I know there will be more newborns to hold. I know that they will each bring a different memory to the surface. I know they will have each just come from the presence of our Heavenly Father, and I will wonder each time if they had visited with Lion before coming down. I will never look at a newborn in the same way again. They are precious little souls that have so much to teach us. How blessed we are to hold them and love them. Treasure each moment, including the frustrating ones, because we never know if it might be the last.