First off, I’ve had several people say that they’ve enjoyed reading my blog, and it’s caught me off guard. So I’d like to properly say thank you. I’m not sure exactly how I reacted, but I do appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Over the last little while I’ve had the opportunity to go to a writing conference and a writers retreat. Both were wonderful experiences but they both brought to light another thing I’ve been struggling with for a while. I used to leave not thinking twice. I never worried about anything. I knew Tigger was in good hands. I knew Hubby was right there and it never crossed my mind that anything could or would happen.
This time things were quite different. I drove to the conference in Kanab and as I waved goodbye to Tigger and Hubby the tears began to fall. I almost had to pull over. It was all I could do to keep it together enough to drive. I was so scared I would never see them again. Never have I felt so overwhelmed with worry and fear. My heart filled with prayers, begging Heavenly Father to keep them safe, to keep me safe, and to allow me to see them again.
Everything went well and the longer I drove the more at ease I became. Nothing happened on either end, but that overwhelming fear and uncertainty seems to be an underlining factor in many things now.
I flew to the writers retreat and found myself feeling a lot of those same fears. No longer was the plane ride calming and enjoyable the entire time, but rather I pictured all the things that could go wrong. I prayed we wouldn’t crash or get blown up or have the plane fall apart (all things I vividly pictured in my head).
At the retreat (by Rosario Beach), I took a walk along the ocean and ended up on a ledge looking out over the water. It was absolutely beautiful, and I was able to enjoy it until my brain took over and I saw Tigger running along the path, slipping and falling into the ocean. Or me falling over the edge. Or waves sweeping me off the cliff. Again I said a quiet prayer to protect my little family and help calm my fears.
Then on the way home my flight was delayed for over an hour while another plane flew a part in from San Diego. Of course that set my thoughts whirling around what would happen if the part wasn’t installed correctly. Or what would happen if someone got through security and blew up the plane. And when we were finally in the air, turbulence (which hardly ever bothered me before) made my heart leap into my throat.
Needless to say, as much fun as I had, it was really good to see Tigger and Hubby when I got home.
It seems that since Lion passed that death is much more real to me. Those things I used to say with confidence I find myself faltering at now. Like I want to promise Tigger that everything will always be safe and I will protect him, but the minute those thoughts enter my mind I doubt my ability to do that. I can’t promise him no one will kidnap him. I can’t promise him someone won’t break into our house and shoot us all. I can’t promise him that I’ll always be there for him because what if I’m taken home?
A family member just recently had a baby and she was worried there might be problems with her precious little one. I wanted so badly to tell her that everything would be just fine but I couldn’t. All I could say is that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.
It’s a hard thing to admit, but I’m not in control. As much as I want to be, I’m not. There is a greater plan and if Tigger is called home then that’s where he’s needed. If Hubby is called home that’s what’s supposed to happen according to The Lord’s plan. I want so badly to feel safe in saying that everything will be just fine, but I’m not sure I will ever be able to say that again. I know I can say that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to and I trust The Lord is in control. It’s just not always an easy thing.