Saturday, August 31, 2013

Confessions Of A Mom

I blame the weather. The internet has been weird and I haven't been able to get on. Sorry this is posted later than I would have liked!

This week has been an interesting, bittersweet one. My hubby was released from a time consuming calling. (For those of you who don’t know, we volunteer our time in our church. We are asked to serve in different capacities for a time. We are called/asked by our Bishop of our ward or church leader.) I think I expected to see an immediate change in his schedule, meaning I would get to see him more. I didn’t. In fact, this turned out to be a week he had to travel and I actually saw him less. Tigger had a hard time with that too, as he always does when Hubby (I think that’s what I’ll call him for now) travels. That and Tigger wasn’t feeling well this week.

However, Tigger and I learned a lot while Hubby was gone. I learned that I need/like adult interaction more than I think I do. Naturally, I’m very much an introvert. Not that I am solely concerned with myself, I just prefer to keep to myself. This week I felt myself getting more and more down. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so awful. It seemed like I was spiraling downward and I didn’t know how to stop myself. And the farther down I got, the more things turned into, “What if I someone breaks into my house? What would I do? How could I protect Tigger? I can’t leave him.” Almost a paranoia has developed.

It’s easy to see why my thoughts turned that way and why that seed of paranoia has been planted. I’m thinking/hoping it’s just a natural thought process since Lion has returned home so recently. Though it scares me that those thoughts have even crossed my mind and I never truly ever want to think about being called home and leaving Tigger, I know that the Lord is in charge. 

Toward the end of the week, Hubby got home and I was able to visit with my sister. Both interactions have made all the difference in the world. Things don’t appear to be as dark and hard. My mind was put a little more at ease and things are brighter. I just need to force myself to have more of that adult interaction to keep myself in check and things in perspective.

I’m not sure if Tigger learned this, but I’m positive he’ll make the connection someday. He’s not the only one who has a brother who has gone home. He and I were able to meet one of the other mom’s who has a son resting in the same place as Lion. She also has another child. Our kids played while we visited. I believe it was a good thing for both of them as well as this mother and me.

My heart goes out to her and anyone else who has had a similar experience. Having a child return home earlier than we would like is not an easy thing. It makes one think, learn, trust, question and so much more. Many may want answer as to “why” or what will come. I was blessed to not necessarily have those exact questions, but to trust that the Lord knows what He’s doing. As for the why, we are all entitled to our own personal revelation as to why in any situation. However, we most likely will not receive the answer when we want it. It is always on His time table, not ours.

As hard as that is, it does make things easier. Someday, when the time is right, I will understand the why behind things. But for now, I trust the Lord.

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