I’ve really missed Lion the last few weeks. More so than I have in a while. That probably sounds bad because I always miss him, but I guess you could say I’ve been reliving certain things again. A sound or a smell will shove a memory into the forefront of my mind and it’s just been a little bit harder.
There’s nothing significant in June that would be an emotional connection with the situation, at least not one I can think of. However, the more I’ve thought about it, there are a couple of things that might be the reason for the sensitive feelings.
A friend just had the one year mark for her little one that passed last year. In talking with her it stirred up some of those exact feelings I felt.
There have been several other babies who have joined Lion where he’s buried and my heart breaks for those parents and families. I wish with all my heart that no one else ever had to go through what we did. I wish I could take away the pain I know they are feeling.
And the last thing that just hit me recently is we are pretty close to having a new little one. I think there is probably some anxiety there that I didn’t expect. The last time we were in the hospital, Lion was born. We took a thank you to all the nurses that helped us (we did that over a year ago) and Tigger ran right to the room where we were staying with Lion. In fact he asked if we were going to visit him. At the time it broke my heart again. Not an easy conversation.
Then I think of having a little one home and it scares me. What if questions go through my mind. I’m not sure I remember or know what to do with a little one again. Then there’s the question that Tigger has asked a few different ways. Basically he’s asked if his new brother will be staying with us or going to live with Heavenly Father. I want to assure him. I want to promise him, but I can’t. Before I would have done so in a heart beat, but even though everything appears to be fine, you never know.
It’s hard to keep feelings under control, but at least I’ve recognized some of the sources of those feelings. Hopefully, things will be fine and yet at the same time I know Heavenly Father is in charge and things will be exactly as they are supposed to be.
Anyway, life is good. Things are going well. My mental battles will hopefully come to an end someday, but at the same time I’m hoping that by sharing it may help someone else. I sure hope life is treating you all well, also. :)