CONFESSIONS OF A MOM

So I began a new adventure a couple of weeks ago and I'm loving it! We signed Tigger up for a martial arts class (more specifically a Jui Jitsu) toward the end of the summer. In watching him practice I found myself really wanting to learn as well. My reasoning was that I needed to know how to "defend" myself when Tigger figured out exactly what he was doing. So after several weeks of trying to figure out scheduling for the adult classes I was able to find a time that worked. What I didn't expect was how much I would love it.

It's been years since I've tried something new, and I love stepping into an entirely different world than I've ever dealt with before. Jui Jitsu is mentally and physically challenging and it's so much fun. On the flip side, I didn't expect the yearning to be able to give it the time I want to. When I begin something new, in the past I've been able to give it six to eight hours a day.

For example, in my cello days I would practice the six hours a day then have classes and rehearsals on top of it. I loved it! When I began seriously writing I had the ability to write for eight hours a day. Now that I'm in the Jui Jitsu world I'm finding I'm yearning to be able to give it that kind of time and I'm not able to right now. It's frustrating. Maybe that's why I haven't tried anything new for awhile because I subconciously knew I wouldn't be able to give it the time I would want to.

I've always been someone who's said that you can make time for anything you want to, and I still believe that's true, but . . . you also have to look at what is the most important way to spend your time. That's why Clyde (my cello) has been neglected as of late, and my writing isn't happening like it use to. That's why I'm not able to spend the six to eight hours on the mats like I want to. There are little people that need my attention at the moment.

Now there will come a moment in time when I will be able to do that again. Then I will have to choose which world to spend my time in. As for now, I'm enjoying the time I'm able to spend in my various worlds. I have to remind myself to be satisified though and not regret "time lost" because it's never truly lost, just spend differently. How blessed we are to be able to make those kind of choices.

Then with it being so close to 9-11, I found myself explaining to Tigger what happened those many years ago. It was a humbling and sobering experience to try to explain those events to a four-year-old. I am continually amazed at how aware he is and his understanding of things around him. He asked very good questions and seemed to accept the answer I gave him. It's for these little ones that we fight and remember for. It's so no one forgets the sacrifices made. It's so we remember how truly blessed we are. Always Remember.

CONFESSIONS OF A MOM

Choices. How many choices do we make a day? Tens? Hundreds? Thousands? I shouldn't be amazed, but when I think about it I am amazed at how many choices we have. And every single one of them have a consequence (positive and negative) attached to it, whether we see it right away or many years down the road.

For example, I chose not to post the last couple of weeks because by the time Friday came around I either forgot or decided I was too tired. Not that there's any big consequence other than me feeling bad.

However, choices have been an my mind lately. I understand that some people don't have control over their choices, i.e. addictions, mental disabilities, things along those lines, but for the majority of us we do. Now when I began this post, my thoughts were going one way and since then they have gone another. So I will do my best to merge the two. Bare with me.

A couple of weeks ago I realized/learned something about myself. As a family we went to SeaWorld and I was nervous (that's probably an understatement). Those of you who know Tigger know that he doesn't stay in one place very well. We talked to him and talked to him about the importance of staying with us so we wouldn't lose him. For the most part those conversations went in one ear and out the other. The morning of our visit I found myself very ornery, uptight, and grouchy. I was short with everyone around me and no one was excited to go anymore.

I did my best to take a step back and I realized that I was acting that way because I was scared. I was scared of what Tigger would do. I was scared he'd run off and we wouldn't be able to find him. I was afraid of losing him. With that realized I began to wonder if I was choosing to be that way. I know that I've struggled with the fear of someone taking him from me since before he was born. I know those feelings hightened after Lion went home. But am I choosing to be that way?

Right now I have no answer to that question. I believe fears are there for a reason, a warning per se, but then I'm brought back to the whole you can't have faith and fear at the same time. So I really don't know the answer to that question. At least I've realized what's triggered other emotions and I can work on controlling them.

As for other choices since our SeaWorld trip, I've realized that I'm struggling with some choices I made many, many years ago. I find myself questioning and justifiying different thoughts. I want to feel like I fit in, and it appears that everyone else is doing certain things. I want to feel a part of and yet I know that I've never done what everyone else has done. I've always done what I've felt to be right even if it makes me the odd man out. It shouldn't matter, but I've found that it does. In a way I don't feel comfortable in my skin anymore and I'm trying to figure myself out again. Who would have thought those feelings would continue after high school? :)

So here I find myself wondering if I'm choosing to feel a certain way and struggling to reaffirm the choices I've made years ago. It's an interesting position to be in. Who knows. Maybe I'll actually figure it out and be able to shed some light on things, if not for myself, then for someone else.

For now, keep in mind that we never truly know what someone else is struggling with and/or going through. Choose to be kind to everyone!