CONFESSIONS OF A MOM

Anyone ever feel like they just want the holidays done and over with? Then at the same time they wish they could slow down and enjoy them? That’s about where we are this week. Things keep happening and there isn’t down time. You’d think I’d be use to it by now, but I’m not. :) I’m sure I’m the only one that feels that way. Ha, ha. :)

I’ve had many people comment on my ability to “handle things so well.” I find that phrase interesting for some reason. “It has to be harder than you make it look,” is the other thing people have said. The answer is, “Yes, it is hard. And I’m handling things different than maybe others would.”

Everyone grieves differently. For example, I’ve told Hubby I don’t think I’ve ever seen him really cry this past year. He has teared up, but I’m not sure I’ve seen him cry. I’ve come to understand that crying isn’t the way he handles things. He’s a research kind of guy. When something happens, he learns everything there is to learn about it, from the prophets, from the medical world, anything he can get his hands on. That’s not me. I’ve only done my own research on Trisomy 13 in the last few months.

Me, I hide emotions and I do it well. I talked to my mom about this a little while ago and she said I’ve been that way my entire life. I hide emotions, good and bad. An example that comes to mind is a particular break up I had in my dating years. He had the diamond. That’s how serious it was. It didn’t work out, and a few weeks after the breakup I saw the guy’s brother. He asked me how I was handling things so well. He said it looked like the situation hadn’t even effected me. His brother was a mess. My response was, it did effect me, I just didn’t show it in public. There’s a time and a place to show that kind of emotion and I couldn’t let it completely debilitate me.

The same goes for my current situation. Is it hard? Yes. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I wish no one ever had to bury a child. It’s not fun. But at the same time I can’t let that pain completely consume me. I still have a life to live and there are others, namely Hubby and Tigger, that need me to still function.

Do I have my moments? Absolutely. But they are usually when I am alone in the car or after Hubby is asleep as I cry myself to sleep or as I’m pleading with The Lord to help me carry on. And He has helped me. There’s no way I could do this without Him.

How do I hide my emotions? Why do I hide them? I’m not exactly sure. However, I have noticed that I tear up much more easily than I ever have in my life. Sometimes I wish I wore my emotions on my sleeve. Then everyone that’s new or that I meet might know exactly what we’ve been through, but at the same time I don’t want to deal with the pity that will show on their faces or the awkwardness that will follow that kind of conversation. So in a way, it’s easier to just hide my emotions.

That’s just the way I deal with things though. Everyone is different. Some need time alone, others need people, still others can, do, and should seek professional help. But you should also know that grieving is a good thing. It’s something that you should allow yourself to do.

At Lion’s funeral, a great friend and mentor to Hubby, Elder Wright spoke about mourning and grieving. Now I’m not quoting verbatim—although it was very eloquently stated that I might quote him later—but he said that mourning and grief is a form of love. It’s not selfish in nature, but rather shows that we loved and cared for the person that is no longer with us. Kind of like the true definition of loss. (I covered that here.)

It’s a natural thing and we should let ourselves and others grieve in their own ways. Just because others don’t “handle” things the way you think you would doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting. And I think you’d surprise yourself in how you handle different situations.

I’m not meaning to be a downer during this happy, joyful season. It seems that these kind of things have been thrown more in the forefront than they have in the last little while. Despite all of that though, life is good. We are ready for Christmas to come and all the joy the season brings. Merry Christmas to all! :)